Waiting on my babies.

So. There’s this blogger that I read, Natalie Holbrook. She blogs at natthefatrat. And Natalie has, shall we say, a complicated relationship with Mother’s Day.

Not so much anymore, as she is reveling IN her awesome, hilarious little boy, but for years Nat struggled–openly and honestly–with infertility. (Except it’s not really the right word…she can get pregnant, it’s just WOAH hard. Go read her blog. It’s much more eloquent then that statement. Sorry Natalie!) 

But during the years she was waiting on her Huck, it was hard for her. And she wrote many many beautiful posts about it. But it was her post just recently about this past Mother’s Day that took my breath away. 

“i hope you all had a lovely weekend. especially you mamas-of-furbabies and even most especially you mamas-in-waiting. i feel so strongly that this holiday really belongs to you who yearn, because you are doing the hardest work. your hearts are loving the biggest love, are fighting the hardest fights, are taking the biggest, scariest leaps of faith. my thoughts and my prayers and all of my love have been with each of you this weekend. i hope you took the good chocolate from the deacons and had the longest and most satisfying of afternoon naps on sunday. fist bumps. and hang in there. 

hang. in. there. 

xoxoxo” (copyright http://www.natthefatrat.com, stealing is bad, so don’t. Your mama taught you better)

 

And it took my breath away (and is in fact, making me tear up right now) because it so aptly describes where I am right now. 

I yearn for my babies a lot of days. Truthfully, I think my husband does too. (Everyone calm down, nothing’s happening). But we both know, deep within our hearts that this isn’t the moment for babies right now. For a lot of rather personal reasons, so I’m going to leave it at that. 

And while I’m pretty sure she was talking about the women who are trying so hard right now to have babies, that  whole paragraph–especially this part:  i feel so strongly that this holiday really belongs to you who yearn, because you are doing the hardest work. your hearts are loving the biggest love, are fighting the hardest fights, are taking the biggest, scariest leaps of faith.—brings me such comfort. 

 

My heart is yearning to meet my babies. It is loving them to pieces and planning plans and dreaming dreams. And I hope–I believe–that one day I’ll look back on these days that are often full of yearning with joy.

 

Because I got to have these beautiful years with just my husband. Building our marriage so that it’s stronger for the tough times and hopefully a beautiful example of love for our children.

Because I got to be selfish about my time and my dreams for a littttle while longer.

 

Because I’m sure I will one day look back and belly laugh about how I thought my children were going to be.

 

Because God is helping me trust in his timing*. And this waiting and yearning is a part of that.

But mainly, because if my short life has taught me anything it’s that you’ll always miss a part of your past and yearn for a part of your future..no matter what stage of life you’re in. And most days I love this stage of life. 

It’s ok to yearn. And my heart is with everyone who’s yearning for days not yet here. They’ll come soon enough. And you know what?  When they get here: It’s going to ROCK. 🙂

* If we haven’t met: Patience is def. not one of my virtues. And that sound you hear is my husband and family laughing in agreement at this massive understatement